


Maneater

by thedevilchicken



Category: Jurassic Park (Movies)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, human/non-human - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-16 06:44:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13630842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedevilchicken/pseuds/thedevilchicken
Summary: Ian crosses paths with a velociraptor. This goes about as well as you might imagine.





	Maneater

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FrenchRoast](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrenchRoast/gifts).



He thinks if the velociraptor were a woman, she'd still be a maneater. 

He thinks she'd be like the second ex-Mrs. Malcolm, the hard-nosed corporate lawyer who'd hated him even before they got married and she really hadn't been shy about showing it, but the wedding had somehow still seemed like a good idea at the time. He'd like to think he regrets the mauling she gave him - before, during and after the divorce - but he's not totally sure that he does; sure, it hurt, but he can't help but remember how good that felt sometimes. 

The velociraptor, on the other hand, is more likely to eat him than spank him, and he's not convinced that her nails on his back would feel _good_ , exactly, even if he can kind of imagine them painted bright red and tapping on the tabletop at dinner. She seems like she'd have a really healthy appetite. And okay, so the second ex-Mrs. Malcolm had been a strict vegetarian, but the third sure ate a lot of red meat. 

Number three was a model who'd retired from the catwalk straight into gossip magazines, about ten feet tall with legs almost taller than she was. She liked that he was taller than both her and her legs and that sometimes he made math sound sexy, but that had died out of the relationship in close to record time. He said he appreciated her candor when she told him he bored her to tears, but even after that, when she hated him, the sex was still _great_. Honestly, she could've eaten him alive and he'd've gone out with a smile on his face. 

The velociraptor, on the other hand, eyes him like he's the lunchtime special and not her afternoon delight. So, he reaches out and pets her snout, and if a dinosaur could look confused, chances are she would right now. 

He thinks if he were a velociraptor, his numerous ex-wives would say that wouldn't really change a lot about him: he'd still be some kind of a cold-blooded, slimy reptile with an inability to keep it in his pants, though he figures that last part's just a technicality because he doesn't see much haute dinosaur couture over here on Isla Nublar. Plus, the raptor isn't slimy, and she's warm to the touch. She nuzzles his palm and he half-smiles down at her. Frankly, that's more affection than his exes have shown him in years, though he knows he pretty much deserves it. 

He thinks if the velociraptor were a woman, she'd still be a maneater. 

He wraps his arms around her neck, all his various charms depleted. He can feel her beating heart against his chest.

And okay, so he's not been a good husband, but maybe he'll make a good snack.


End file.
